Sometime I struggle with the girl in the mirror.
It's the worst.
Staring at yourself and and finding things you don't like and things you want to change.
Yuck!
Does this happen to you?
And it seems to happen at waves in my life.
Other times I am able to see my beauty and feel my beauty, and am happily less transfixed to the mirror.
And still sometimes I find myself obsessed with "feeling" ugly.
What does that even mean?
I am no stranger to obsessive thoughts and behaviors.
Thankful I can rationalize the thoughts
"My looks don't matter" "I am beautiful inside and out" "There is something deeper going on" etc. But as we know about the mind, rationality is like having an umbrella when you're sinking in a lake: thinking rationally doesn't deal with the feelings of what is causing the disillusioned thoughts.
Feeling UGLY is not an actual feeling; ugly is not an emotion. Therefore identifying WHY you feel "ugly" is important for dispelling the thoughts.
So lets do some work together, to combat the yucky feelings associated with feeling "ugly"
What emotions are you ACTUALLY feeling? _____________________________ Are you feeling anxious, unworthy, lonely, rejected, depressed, overwhelmed? For me, when I focus on my body or my looks, I have noticed it is in an attempt to "control" something. If I am experiencing a lot of Life Changes, that are not in my control, the child in me searches for things to obsess over or try and control. Identifying your feelings is an imperative first step to combating negative self image.
Why do you feel this way?*_________________________________________ Did you go through a break up recently? Does someone at work treat you poorly or under value you? Are you moving soon, or experiencing financial struggles, or in the middle of a loss of some sort? *(Of course chemical imbalances are a cause to emotions and moods, so you need to be in contact with a doctor and/or therapist if theses feelings are taking over your life and feel unmanageable).
What can you do in THIS moment to feel better?__________________________ You have a few options depending on how stubborn or stuck you current emotional state is (get a list of my favorite Coping Strategies here) . You can Distract: watch tv, call a friend and ask about their day, talk a walk with a pet, go to a coffee shop. You can Soothe: take a bath, do a coloring page, light a candle and read a novel, chew some gum and blow some bubbles, make a latte or coffee at home, go outside and just listen to the world around you, read something inspiring here. Or you can Release: go for a run or do an active meditation, scream into a pillow all the things you have holding in, put your bare feet into the soil/ground and ask the Earth to transmute the difficult energies you are dealing with, throw ice at the fence or sidewalk, paint with your body and hands, or do the EMT
Once you have done these three steps, hopefully you have more distance between you and the negative feeling. It is essential to getting ourselves back to feeling safe within our bodies and our minds before we can do corrective work.
Moving Forward
If you haven't read my body image post, go have a look, because feeling ugly and feeling fat are often similar and go hand in hand.
The first thing we can do once we are out of the dumps about our looks, is to realize it was not about our looks (or our body) all along. We need to imprint this in our being, so that when we feel consumed with self-aggression, the knowledge that we can overcome it in time is paramount.
Develop Defenses. You are a powerful being, who's only limit is your own stinking thinking. I am a big proponent of policing your own social media: if you follow someone who makes you feel less then, stop following them. Also take a break from social media for a couple days, go camping, forget your phone on a long hike; anything you can do to separate yourself from comparisons or the stressors of the world for a short time is well worth building a strong mind.
Don't bash yourself with friends. We need to put an end to the culture of self deprecation. Don't talk about what you hate about your looks or your body; and don't engage with friends who do that to themselves either (it's not your job and can in fact be harmful to yourself if you are constantly trying to tell a friend they aren't ugly or whatever). HOWEVER, I do find it valuable to discuss with my close people the feelings behind the insecurities. My best friends is my mom, and I often call her and tell her I just need some space to talk out some emotions I struggling with. She doesn't try to fix my feelings, and I have a safe place to hash out what is going on for me on the inside.
Redefine beauty. This is important, and is a continual development which I find very grounding in moments of insecurity. You can start with physical attributes of what you find beautiful on yourself, like your hands, or your eyes, or your teeth, or legs. Eventually we want to work towards seeing beauty beyond the physical: are you beautiful because you are Caring and Giving; are you beautiful when you are enveloped with Laughter; do you feel beautiful when you meditate; do you have a beautiful mind; are you beautiful because you look for the good or have a positive outlook? Beauty to me is feelings of inspiration, creativity, mystery, and connection. When I remember that that is my definition of beauty, I can easily see beauty in myself, and others, and all around me.
Be realistic about the beauty you see in the media. Understand that most celebrity photos are highly edited before they reach the magazine, or even your Instagram feed. That people often even alter their looks by way of doctors. None of this is WRONG, just be more kind to yourself when looking at people's who's job it is, is to be beautiful in some ways. We all go through our own struggles, so comparing your insides to someones outsides is a recipe for frustration.
Don't feel ashamed of wanting to alter your looks to feel more beautiful. If you want to dye your hair blonde, get breast implants, have CoolSculpting, use colored contacts, get a nose job, or cheek filler and you have the means to do it, then do it; and don't feel any type of way about it. There is nothing wrong with enhancing beauty in whatever way you see fit. I think the trouble comes with the idea that beauty is strictly on the outside, the obsession to look a certain way with out the inner substance to secure the confidence and peace of inner beauty. I think that is my whole point with this post: Beauty comes from within. If you keep searching for outside fixes, your struggle will never end, but if you develop a healthy idea of what beauty means to you, for you, in your life, then live it just as you please.
Look for examples of people who are beautiful to you, for reasons other than their looks. When you see couples in love at the table next to you, do you see their beauty? Do you have a cousin who took a different path and is happy doing what they love? Do you see beauty when you friend is opening up, and vulnerable with you? Do you beauty when nature and city intersect with each other? Do you see beauty in the difference of opinions of others? Do you see beauty in your parents who did their best to give you everything they had and more? Do you see beauty in your neighbor who checks in on you and always says Hello? Look for beauty and you will find it.
The beauty in someone else does not diminish your own. That is a stand alone sentence...
Find beauty in your uniqueness, your Power, your Confidence. No one can make you feel beautiful, people can tell you that you are beautiful, but the confidence of knowing your own worth comes from you, and you will only feel this and believe this if you practice.
Here are some spiritual tips to feel beautiful: Go around cleaning all the mirrors in your house with the intention of revealing your inner beauty; go outside barefoot and ask the Mother Earth to recycle this negative energy out of your body and watch it flow out of you into the ground; use rose essential oil on your face or heart to increase the frequency of self love; dance to a few sexy songs and be grounded into your sensuality; invoke the goddess Aphrodite to imbue you with feelings of inner beauty and confidence.
Remember insecurities are a signal that something deeper is going on. So be gentle. Understand there will be moments of feeling yucky and down; such is life. Just remember: All of this is easier said than done, it times to work it all out, and it does get better.
I think the cultural issue of beauty is that the standard of beauty is so narrow.
Someone's journey is their own, and our judgements of others is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves on the inside.
The lesson is to redefine beauty for yourself. Create more beauty by seeing through your new definition, and inspire others to feel and do the same, whatever that looks like.
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What do you think of the ideas laid out in here? Do they ring true? Did I miss something? Let me know! My intentions are never to be insensitive to someones struggles, but to include my personal knowledge and experience in dealing with issues to help.
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XOXO
MaryLisa
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