How to deal with Anger.
I don't know if there is one RIGHT way to deal with anger.
Sometimes, or a lot of times, my anger gets the best of me.
But no one can tell from the outside that I am angry. Because I hoard it.
I convince myself I have no right to feel angry, that my feelings shouldn't be hurt, that I am bigger than that.
None of that can be true if I am to lead a happy and authentic life.
So I am learning about anger, and here is what I have come up with
I let it sit and soak in my body, creating heat in my chest and my belly, popping up as zits on my face or letting it come out sideways at people I love.
I have decided to be more aware of my anger and try to manage it more efficiently.
Small-agro-moments build up and up and up, while I am unaware, and then before you know it I spend weeks feeling:
-Frustrated
-Resentful
-Moody
-Judgy
What I know about ANGER:
A build up of crossed boundaries: When we feel hurt, it is usually because someone did (or did not do) something that we found upsetting. They crossed a boundary. We were made to feel "less than", or questioned how much this person cares about us, questioned our own worth. We were hurt. More times than not, I am realizing, it is unbeknownst to the other person that they harmed us. People cross boundaries all the time, because we do not explicitly draw them out for every person in every single interaction. For every time you have felt slighted, I can guess that other people have also felt slighted by us. We make up stories in our head Of course she knew she hurt my feelings! She should know better! But it isn't so. I bring this up, because for many hurts we face, it is because a boundary of ours has been crossed, and it usually can be cleared up with some "I feel" statements on our parts (which is not always such a simple things to accomplish for us sometimes!).
It keeps building without an outlet. Anger doesn't just "go away" if we ignore it. I have written this out and talked about it in a few of you Youtube videos now, but I always find another reason to say: You Cannot Ignore Negative Emotions. If you pretend you are not hurt, you stuff it in, and it build up and it comes out sideways. Here's something I fall prey too, tell me if you can relate: I have an interaction with someone and I am left feeling hurt, but I tell myself "Don't be petty, you're above that, you can't feel hurt by that, you're supposed to be emotionally intelligent", so I let it go, and I never address it with that person, so they keep doing the thing that hurts my feelings, and I keep trying to "suck it up".... and on and on until I explode.
Gets misdirected at other people or self. When we don't properly express our hurt or anger in the moment, or even shortly after, we pile hurt on top of hurt. We make up false stories in our head because we never got a chance to talk them out with the people who injured us. Then we take out our anger on a partner, or roommate, someone who we feel safe with, or someone who we feel we have power over. The anger and hurt and frustration has to go somewhere, and so without a proper outlet, we unleash the storm where ever we feel it may land with the least resistance. We can see this a lot in obvious power dynamics: like bosses treating employees unkindly, or the spouse coming home and bossing around their partner after getting treated poorly all day by their boss.
Can become physical illness. Our body is constantly listening to our emotions and releasing certain hormones and chemicals that assist with which ever emotion is being released. Living with Resentment is akin to living with extreme stress. Our body's immune function is greatly reduced, causing us to catch colds and flus and other infections more easily, all while building up inflammation in the body that caused digestive issues, bloating, chronic pain, and more. Your body has a chemical response to anger, hurt, resentment, and frustration, and without expression, it builds up toxically in your body. So now the hurt, is hurting you.
5. Facing the hurt is LESS painful. We are hardwired to avoid pain, with good reason. However we end up hurting ourselves more in the long run by avoiding short term "pain". It is uncomfortable to confront someone with a perceived hurt, its vulnerable to put our feelings out there, and the other person might not respond in kind. What is more painful though is not addressing the feelings as they rise up. I think if we knew how to address our hurt with other people in a more constructive way, we might be less averse to it. *I will go over some examples of this below*
6. Journaling. Brene Brown has detailed out in her Rising Strong book how using writing is an effective tool and getting to the bottom of our feelings, while keeping our relationships safe. When we are so angry or hurt, our vision is narrowed to reducing the "threat" so if we try to confront the person while angry, we end up missing our mark by a long shot. From experience I can tell you that writing F*CK over and over again until I am ready to explore the feeling beneath is extremely cathartic. The journal is meant to get YOU to understand YOU, and often we need to vent a lot of frustration before we are able to explore what's triggering us and how to move forward.
7. Anger is the mask for hurt. Anger is often the top emotion, or the mask to something deeper, and more vulnerable going on below. It is the armor we wear to protect our injured insides from being exposed to the world. Anger is motivating and useful, because it tells us something is wrong, something has hurt us, an injustice has occurred. But at some point we need to stop feeling angry and explore more. Underneath we find shame, pain, sadness, loneliness and more. So ask yourself why are you angry, what emotion has been triggered underneath it, and explore it. You may not get an answer right away, but your body and mind will follow suit and make space to move out of anger.
Ways to Confront:
Here are some ways I have found helpful when trying to be more present and in the moment with my hurt. Hopefully you will find one that works for you!
-All in all, when expressing hurt, I want to be careful not to blame You did this to me, You are mean, because people will shut down. I want to be courageous with my emotions, and decide that I am worth the discomfort.
"I feel _______ when you ________" I feel left out when you make decisions without me. Using feelings statements is the most amazing way to get people to open up with you. Be careful not to use 'blame' in the second half of the sentence, otherwise the other person will shut down before the conversation has ever began.
"I might be reading this wrong, but __________?" I might be reading this wrong, but I have this feeling that you are avoiding me or mad at me? This opens up the conversation for you to express that you feel there are negative emotions hanging around, and for the person to express what they might be feeling toward you and why.
Apology sandwich. I am really sorry I snapped at you back there, that was not my intention, I felt like you were disregarding my feelings, but I should have communicated that more clearly with you. Another great way to encouage a person to open up with you is to start with an apology. Sometimes I can not even offer an apology without some journaling to understand the other person's side first
"Hey, can we talk about _______?" Hey can we talk about earlier when there was a moment of tension between us? Getting curious with someone is a quick and easy way to understand whats going on with other person, before letting our thoughts run away with us and playing the blame game.
I always know I am on the right track with negative emotions when I can see my part in them. When I can get enough self reflection to understand the other person's point of view, or how I may have hurt them just as much, or even how they may have misunderstood me!
I used anger a lot as a kid to hide my hurt underneath, and so I am now noticing how it crops up easily in my life as frustrations, annoyances, self-righteousness, and the like.
I used it as a defense mechanism, and now am trying to understand it more, to go deeper with it.
I don't want to waste any more time being angry, but I also understand there will be moment of anger, and I have to address them, rather than stuff them.
My mental, spiritual, emotional health are worth this continued development, and I know the same is true for you.
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