I think me writing this is long overdue.
It's a touchy subject for me and I don't want to leave myself open, but I also want others to know it's a thing, and they are not alone.
The Relationship With Our Body
All these hashtags bear evidence that we are ready to feel better about our bodies, or at least we are tired of body shaming, or feeling bad about our looks and bodies.
All of our struggles are unique to us, yet we all struggle with our bodies and the constructs around them.
When I first started writing this back in April, it was very cathartic, then I stopped because I wasn't ready to publish.
Now in August I am publishing it, and my relationship with my body and food isn't great.
My whole life changed during the pandemic (new job, new house, new state, new friends, less certainty, less control), and I am left in a mental war with my body.
I have been here before, and I have the tools to use it as a teachable moment, but that was not always the case.
My Body Struggle
I had quite a toxic relationship with food and my body from very early on in my life. It was a mental obsession, a mental health issue, leading to behavior issues, and my favorite coping skill and best escape from reality.
Over the years it took on many forms, but some variables remained consistent. Mainly my obsession over what I was eating, how I looked, and feeling like I needed to control all of it.
It was all consuming for me.
I kept it mostly a secret through my teens and early adulthood how I was struggling because I thought it was completely normal; to hate you body and be obsessed with it at the same time. When I did talk about how I wanted to lose more weight or was on a diet of some sort, most of the women I spoke too shared how they felt the same disdain for their body and were on some sort of other diet.
Yikes.
Are you relating at all?
So thinking my obsessions and behaviors were normal, it wasn't until my mid/late twenties where I decided to seek help for the way I was feeling.
Many people didn't and could't understand why I needed to seek treatment. In fact I had several people tell me it was the struggle of every woman to hate her body and her self. Seriously, people told me that.
Today I still struggle to not use my body and my food to exert power and control in my life. I am noticing how I tend to have more negative thoughts or desires to control my body or my food when I have stress or anxiety in my life (enter need for control).
But I am so much more free than I was when I used to think that my ONLY value in this world was directly attached to how I looked, what size I wore, and how thin I was.
(When I need an extra pump up, I read this)
It is a daily struggle for me to bring more compassion into my relationship with my body, but it is worth it. It is the only permanent relationship I will ever have, that directly affects my world and all my experiences.
I realize now that body dysmorphia, eating disorders, disordered eating, and the like are so PERVASIVE in our society, that we are numb to the fact that our hate for our bodies is not normal. Our obsession over them is not normal.
I fear writing this blog post will trigger people into some negative feelings, or that some will feel attacked by what I am saying. Know that I am only speaking on my journey and what I have learned. YOU are the only expert on your life.
My intention for this post is to let people know that we deserve to feel safe in our bodies, and many of us are feeling called to change the paradigm around our relationship to our bodies.
Mend the Relationship
I am not here to tell you to "love your body" or whatever, because depending on what part of the journey you are on to mend the relationship with your body, that may be too tall of an order at this time.
Here are some things that help me on my #bodyposi journey
1. Unfollow. Something I did that lifted a great weight off my shoulders when I was newly trying to mend the relationship with my body, is I unfollowed all social media account that made me feel less than, or made me compare myself, or didn't inspire me to love myself for who I am. It was hard, but incredibly empowering.
2. Therapy. I love therapy, I encourage any and everyone to get therapy. I have had a few different therapists through my days, but the one that helped me the most was the one who specialized in my treatment area. Here is a link to help you find a therapist near you, you can even get specific and see which is covered by which insurance and which therapist specializes in what. Let the healing begin.
3. Owning It. See something you don't like? Own it. Hate your freckles? Hate your cellulite? Do you have six toes and does it drive you crazy?? Own it. The great thing about living in the technology age is you can now find people like you, to be your role models, owning the thing that makes you insecure. Face the thing about yourself that gives you angst (shadow work) and fall in love with the flaw, find beauty in your uniqueness, be confident for how you were made.
4. EFT. Emotional Freedom Technique is like energetic Klonopin. It combines Eastern and Western healing modules to bring you a simple way to scale down a strong negative emotion, as well as deconstructing negative core beliefs. Don't take my word for it, try it yourself by watching this video, or learn more here
5. Set Boundaries. If you read my posts regularly or know me personally, you know I am a strong believer in boundaries. I love boundaries. They are a perfect way to avoid hurt feelings or feeling triggered or catching a resentment against someone. For body image stuff I made a promise to myself that it was not my obligation to bash my body when someone else was. I sometimes also ask people to refrain from making comments about my body, good or bad. It honestly depends on how safe I feel in the moment or with the individual. Other times I'm like "yeah girl pump me up!" The idea is to ask for what you need in the moment, and be able to understand your needs better. Years after the beginning of my healing journey with my food, and I still don't let people comment on my food or what I'm eating, or tell me about how bad sugar is for you. Keep your food phobias to yourself, and I will do the same.
6. Don't Be Strict. This is my favorite. Learning to think in greys and balance rather than Black and White Thinking has been very helpful. I don't set "all or nothing" standards for myself. I no longer force myself to work out everyday or never eat processed foods. These extreme standards were a set up for failure, for me. I do have certain views about health, and diet, and the like, but I don't make things so black and white for myself anymore, I give myself more grace and more forgiveness. It protects my mental health and self care.
7. Trip Out. I used to trip out on how much my body has been through. All the things I have done to it, and the breaks, the bumps, the injuries, the harm, and all that my body can do for me. It's really a miracle if you sit down and think about it. It was helpful for me to spend time and really acknowledge how much I have put my body through and how ungrateful I have been for how well it continues to work. It's kind of sad as well. Like my body shows up every day to wake up, think, type, run, jump, sleep, digest, process, etc, and I have nothing but shame to give it? Uh no, I'm no longer ok with that.
I'm still not great at showing my body the respect it deserves, but like I said, it's a process.
Here is a meditation I do that helps:
I put my hands on each of my chakras, starting at the Root (learn where the chakras are on your body) and express my love and gratitude for the function of that area of of my body. Sometimes I just lay down with one hand on my heart and one hand on my stomach and I say thank you for the perfect machine and most loyal friend that my body is.
8. Be Intentional. I am real cautious about my motivations and intentions now. And intentions are far too powerful to squander on negative self talk! When I go out for a walk I remind my myself that I walk to be kind to my body and clear my head. If I go for a run, it's to keep my body healthy, not to lose weight. If I want to eat clean, it's to heal my body from the inside, not to look more toned. If I post a picture of my face on instagram it's because I have a message behind it, not because I want people to validate me. If I find myself thinking about being skinny or needing validation I have to engage in some self care (get my comprehensive list of self-care activities in the Calm Coping Guide). Because needing something that I have no control over is an endless black hole, that I have previously spent too long trying to fill.
9. You is Smart, You is Kind. If you ever read the book, The Help, you know the maid Aibileen tries to instill in her tiny charge that she is more than how she looks. Aibileen tells little Mae "You is smart, you is kind, you is important". How powerful to change the dialogue we say to each other! Because words become things, so if all we talk about is how pretty a girl is, how slutty a woman is, how muscular a man is, or what So-n-So is wearing on the Red Carpet, then how are we supposed to believe we are more than that? We have to systematically change the system at our level. When a friend of mine posts selfie or glamour picture on their social media, I try to be conscious enough to say things like "You're a Goddess!" or "You're a powerhouse!" or whatevaaaa.
On the flip side, when ever a friend starts criticizing the way they look or their weight, I no longer run to their aid saying "OMG you're so skinny!". How uncomfortable is it to be around someone criticizing themselves? For me it's big, I feel very uncomfortable. Because I spend enough time criticizing myself that when I hear someone else do it to themselves out-loud, my heart aches for them, and I get upset because it reflects how I often treat myself in private. Double Whammy! My job description is not 'ego fluffer' and I don't want to engage in something that contributed to my emotional injuries for so long. Now I can change the conversation, or tell them "please be nice to my friend".
Lets start a conversation about how we want to be more kind to our bodies
This list is far from complete.
What can you add?
Can we be kinder to ourselves?
What triggers your un-kindness?
What miracles do you see in your body?
How can we help inspire other people to radically accept themselves?
How we treat our bodies is a huge reflection of our relationship with in our world.
Are you very strict?
Self critical?
Mean to yourself?
Let's heal together, yeah?
*Don't forget to schedule your Distance Reiki session for some extra healing sent your way
-Love
MaryLisa
Thank you for sharing your story and insights to support all of us who have experienced our own struggles.