Hello Friends!
How are you feeling out there?
What's going on for you?
This year is full of strong emotions, big changes, and confusing narratives.
Lets take some time to discuss #mentalhealth
As you might know, my degrees are in mental health and I spent a few years as a mental health counselor, so this topic is very important to me.
And yet still widely misinterpreted and misunderstood.
In working with others as a counselor, as a reiki healer, and through my own journey, I have noticed we tend to want to avoid strong/negative emotions. Soon a tiny emotional wound becomes a huge festering infection and seemingly swallows us whole.
Apologies for the icky analogy, but it's true.
Here's another analogy:
A dog starts following your around
Everywhere.
You always try to shoo it away, so it starts biting at you and your heels.
You feel incredibly annoyed.
You have things to do like go to work, meet up with people; even when you relax at night you can hear the dog whining at the foot of your bed, and the dog is starting to smell, bad.
You are now losing sleep, and the dog continues to follow you everywhere; biting, and yapping, and smelling.
One night after about two months of this, you begin to cry in a breakdown, "Leave me alone!" you shout at the dog.
The dog continues to whine and begins to howl with you.
You have an idea.
You go to the fridge and grab a piece of chicken, and give it to the dog.
You feed the dog, the dog calms down.
Next you decide to give the smelly dog a bath.
The dog stops whining and biting.
At night, the dog cuddles up with you while you sleep
THE END.
The dog is you ignored emotions.
Common Beliefs about Emotions
Which ones do you believe?
Negative feelings are 'bad': This is my number one message to you: Honor all your feelings! Good and bad. Or believe me, the ones you ignore will turn into monsters and haunt you until they break themselves free. Are you the type of person that never confronts people for the small things, but your anger at them builds up behind the scenes until you pop-off at a roommate for leaving a dish in the sink?
If I let myself feel (anger, sorrow, grief) I will not be able to stop it: If you practice expressing your emotions in the moment as they come up for you, you have more control over the ebb and flow of emotions.
Feeling angry makes me a bad person: Feeling angry is valid, what you do with the anger is what matters. Expressing anger allows it to wash through and out of you. Unexpressed anger causes resentments, can lead to health problems, outburst, or even violence.
Having emotions makes me weak: We are emotional beings. Emotions release certain chemicals and hormones in our body that affect our whole body systems. Oxytocin, the cuddle hormone, makes us feel empathy, trust, and builds relationships. Cortisol is released when we feel anxious, causing us to be ready for fight or flight. Having emotions means you are having human experiences. Acknowledging and expressing emotions make you more powerful because it sets healthy boundaries for self and other relationships. Saying how you feel can bring you closer to getting what you want in life.
People will take advantage of me if I express myself to them: No one can take your power away from you, unless you let them. Caring too much about what others think, or basing how you feel around how other people feel is codependency and is a toxic way to relate to people, that actually takes power away from you. Own how you feel. It's a practice that cultivates personal power.
They 'made' me feel this way: Again, you are responsible for your own feelings, no one can "make" you feel anything. Feelings are reactions to thoughts and behaviors. Taking responsibility for how you feel will allow you to create deeper relationships with yourself and others. With that being said, if someone keeps doing things that stir up unhelpful emotions in you, you can express yourself to that person, set boundaries for what kind of behavior you will tolerate from others in your life, or even cease a relationship that YOU don't feel good in.
My emotions are facts: If you feel anger, honor it. But don't confuse it for truth in a situation. If you feel something, check in with yourself and ask why, verbalize how you feel even, but don't forget emotions are personal, and a perception. Chances are when you explain how you feel instead of acting on it as a fact, you are able to ground yourself into reality and resolve the emotion.
If I ignore it, it will go away: I know that you know this is not true. Ignoring feelings builds resentments in relationships and resentments with ourselves. Ignoring emotions is like going on a long road trip where you keep eating snacks and throwing the trash in the back seat, more trash and more trash piles up until you cant see through the front windshield and you crash the car. Emotions don't disappear if you ignore them, they build up until they explode or manifest with little control on your part.
I always have to be happy/positive: This is the "positivity-trap": ignoring things that cause you pain and grief by forcing positive emotions. Trying to always be positive is missing the point. If you ignore anger, grief, loneliness, you will not be able to move through and out of them toward more positive emotions. 'Negative' emotions are signals that something in your life needs to be resolved. Feeling lonely is a signal we need more connection in our life. Feeling anger means our boundaries have been crossed. Feeling grief means you lost something you cherished. Acknowledge and resolve the emotions so you can move toward feeling better.
I can't control my emotions: You are not expected to be emotionless, but we do need to deal with emotions in constructive ways, or they become destructive. Being emotionally volatile hurts relationships with yourself and others. Taking time to understand your emotions and honor them will give you a better grasp at dealing.
I have to feel the same way as other people feel. You feelings can never be "wrong", so if something makes your friend or partner laugh, but it makes you uncomfortable, it's ok to feel differently. The beauty of people is that we perceive things in different ways, so if someone tells a joke that makes you upset, it might be because it triggered an unpleasant memory or feeling for you. Honor that, look into it, speak up about feeling uncomfortable or angry about something.
Truth About Emotions
It's ok to be emotional
Being in tune with your emotions makes you more powerful
Every feeling needs to be honored
Healthy expression of emotions means a healthier life
You can feel two different emotions at the same time
You can't always feel positive
Negative feelings are clues into your life
Listen to your feelings
Acknowledge feelings as they come up, or prepare to lose control to them
It's ok to be anxious, or depressed
Practicing compassion for you emotions will help you resolve them
Ways to Honor your Feelings
Tell someone
Write them down
Do an active body meditation to release tension
Sit on the couch and cuddle yourself
Lay on your bed and cry
Read through the Calm Coping Guide
Go for a walk or a hike, be outside
Listen to loud music
Sing or dance it off in your room
Tell your fur baby (they are great listeners)
Chi Gong (my personal favorite)
Check In
What are you feeling right now?
I am feeling _________ because _________________________
and _________ because _______________________
and a little _________ maybe due to __________________________
Now repeat after me
"And that is OK"
What ever is going on for you in your life at this moment, please have compassion for yourself, realize feelings are not forever, and if you honor your feelings now, they are likely to dissolve quicker
So just be nice to yourself!!
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